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::paint me your lullaby & i'll paint you mine::
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| .:punchdrunk lovesick singalong:. |
[Jan. 15th, 2008|08:38 pm] |
In my previous entry I mentioned briefly about the idea of marriage and how it can make one shudder at the thought of it. Not that I'm scared of it, but there's just too many things to consider carefully before going into it. A marriage as we can see can either make or break a relationship. And definitely all of us want a perfect happy marriage. Sadly there's a lot of people who thinks that as long as you marry the person you love, the marriage will be perfect and happiness will follow suit. What they forget is that a great marriage is a product of lots of effort from both parties. Recently I've come across a few commendable blog entries touching on marriage issues.
The first one is about something closer to home - about Malay marriages and why they seem to be in a mess especially with the high divorce rates. This entry is one of many provocative entries discussing more about the Malay community in Singapore. I strongly recommend you to check out Ridzwan.com.
The Malay Marriage Mess
3 Main Reasons Why Malay Couples Are Doomed From the Start
In my first year of secondary school, a teacher made a very racist comment that I will never forget. Stepping into class one morning, he asked:
“Boys, do you know what's the difference between a Chinese lady, an Indian lady and a Malay lady?”
The whole class looked at each other, puzzled beyond comprehension. What has this got to do with Geography? The teacher looked around for a minute or two, anticipating a glimpse of anyone who might put up his hand. But none did so he went on,
“Well boys, listen carefully. A Chinese lady, will not care if her man is handsome or does not have a good character. As long as he has money.
An Indian lady, will not care if her man is handsome or has no money. As long as he has good character.
A Malay lady, will not care if her man has no money or character. As long as he is handsome.”
In Victoria, the Malay student population then was comparatively small, especially so in my class. All four of us Malay boys looked at each other nervously after that short remark, shrugged it off and just got back to work. We didn't bother to protest because the teacher's known to skilfully repel any opposition to his words. He's after all, a grand old man of 65 at that time.
The teacher has since passed on. But his words linger in my mind to this very day. Not because they were extremely racist, but because till now I still wonder if there just might be some element of truth to what he said 13 years ago.
Could my teacher's short parable be the answer as to why so many of our Malay marriages are doomed right from the start? Well, I wouldn't know. I may be Malay but I'm no woman. Only they have the answer to that.
What I do know is that the Malay matrimonial scene is in a wreck. Percentage wise, we have the highest divorce rate here in Singapore – yet another notorious title. If you have four Malay wedding invitations on any given Sunday, you can be sure that one of them will end in a divorce. It is that bad.
So what is it that Malay couples are doing wrong that other races are getting right? Is it because of the lack of religion knowledge, like so many of these 'Ustazs' are claiming? If the answer lies in appreciating Islam, why then are non-Muslim couples fairing better than us?
The answer is more universal and less cryptic. Malay marriage mess is happening due to these 3 main reasons.
Standards Set By Malay Women
I will most probably come under heavy fire for this, but I will say it anyway. One of the reasons why our marriages fail is that most Malay women fall in love way too easily.
Although I would disagree with my late teacher about the “as-long-as-he's-handsome” part, I do admit that most Malay women will develop a liking for a guy as long as she finds him “nice”.
The process in which a Malay woman falls in love is noticeably less complicated than that of other races and is due mainly to our culture. Malays are generally brought up and trained to never look at a person's wealth or status as a measure of a man. We have been told since young that this is wrong and that a person should only be judged by how polite, religious and respectful he is towards his folks. That, according to our elders, is the key to happiness.
The cultural stigma remains till this very day. When a Malay girl brings home a guy to meet her parents, little is asked of his financial position and education. The focus will be on how religious or polite he is. It does not matter very much if the guy has been an academic failure all his life or does not hold a very stable career. As long as he is “nice”.
This criteria would have been fine for choosing a wife. But the fact is, a husband – leader and main breadwinner, has to be chosen with a more stringent criteria other than just being religious or “nice”. Too many families have collapsed because of economically dysfunctional husbands whose salaries cannot keep up with the changing times. Being “nice” will not pay the bills nor tuition for the kids 15 years down the road.
Be like the weaver bird. The reason why male weaver birds are such strong agile creatures is because the females of the species demand a lot from the males. Before a female would agree to mate, she will demand to look at the nest which he has built. If the nest is not up to her standard, she would simply fly off in search of another mating partner. As a result male weaver birds evolve strongly and are one of the most revered birds in the animal kingdom.
Similarly, Malay women must collectively set a much higher standard for their men. For when they do, the heat will be upon us to improve economically and socially. As a result, the entire community improves. It just takes that change of mindset.
But for now, plenty of Malay men are still slacking and taking their future very lightly. Why bother? They know they will be able to find a wife one day anyway. All you need to be is just “nice”.
Short Courting Period
The issue of Malays marrying early is not an alien one. It has received special mention by a very concerned Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew quite some time back. The concept is actually very simple – young couples are simply not equipped to handle a family. Everyone understands that.
But I would like to zoom in on the definition of “marrying early” from another perspective – courting period.
Malay couples generally make the decision to get married very early on into the relationship. Usually within a year of knowing each other, a commitment would have been made to start a family. I personally know of a friend who's gotten married to a man she's known for only eight months! Needless to say, that marriage is now on the rocks. I pray that they ride out the storm.
Once again, it's a cultural phenomenon. Malay elders frown on long courting periods and marriage is usually pressured upon once a man and woman is known to like each other. The derogatory term that they use for couples that have been long together without marrying is “pengantin basi” (stale newly-weds). Having a “pengantin basi” in the family is considered to be a social embarrassment and should be avoided.
I am a strong believer in the concept that a person's true colours can only be seen either after 12 months or after a major quarrel – whichever comes earlier. Before this period, not everything you see is what you will get as initial pretences will take a while to dismantle. There will probably never be any hard data to conclude this theory. But then again, life's most complicated concepts are usually built on none.
Malay couples must extend their courting time longer and get to know each other better before making that big decision. This is essential to avoiding any bad surprises long after the wedding drums have fell silence. After all, “differences in personality” is cited as the number one reason why Malay couples divorce. Perhaps they should have just waited that 12 months.
Financial Delinquency
I am not sure where it comes from, but it seems that more Malay women today are demanding that their men be driving cars.
Has it not occurred to them that everybody can drive a car today? It's just a matter of whether you want to or not ever since the $0 down payment rule was implemented. Any chap who can make the monthly payments will have the “luxury” of a vehicle in his hands – even someone who earns $800 a month sweeping the roads.
A car does not equate to being successful anymore. It just means that you are having a hefty debt . Unfortunately a lack of financial intelligence in the Malay community has given rise to misconceptions such as these. Middle class symbols such as cars, cards and fancy electronic goods are now a must-have to show people that you “have arrived”. Most cannot wait to pay for it in cash, taking huge loans in the process.
Needless to say, this financial attitude has given rise to a host of social problems within the Malay community. According to a recent statistic from MUIS, applicants for “zakat” (alms given by the public) this year has risen dramatically – most of them coming from young males in their twenties. How are males like these supposed to raise happy and contented families?
The matter of fact is simple. You marry someone who is financially delinquent, you will bear the consequences. You insist on a man who drives, you build a family saddled with debt right from the start. Remember well that “money problems” has been cited as the second leading cause of divorce amongst Malays. The awareness of financial delinquency is essential to keeping our Malay families happy.
I am glad to say that all my university friends, despite commanding the salaries that they have, are still sticking to public transport or using car sharing services like those offered by NTUC when a vehicle is needed. It is better to be flush with cash rather than one who drives but counts every penny like a pauper. Perhaps this is the attitude that we need to emulate. Else it could just make us another digit in the divorce statistics. ***** Next entry talks about how to choose your life partner - all those things you have to consider before deciding that your partner is the right one for you and to check how ready you are for the marriage. So obviously both of us are not ready yet. Well, what's the rush anyway? Anyway this entry is taken from Shaz & Aidil's blog.
5 Golden Rules for Finding Your Life Partner
When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with rising divorce rates, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding.
If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love." I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date.
Choosing a life partner should never be based on love (alone). Though this may sound not politically correct, there's a profound truth here. Love (alone) is not the basis for getting married.
Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more.
Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.
QUESTION #1:
Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important?
Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone.
What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.
Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart.
To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life – bottom line - and marry someone who wants the same thing.
QUESTION #2:
Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust! i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.
A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings.
Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.
QUESTION #3:
Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person.
How can you test? Here are some suggestions.
i) Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?
ii) Are they serious about improving themselves?
A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing".
"So, ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic?"
Usually, a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world: People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort.
Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing.You need to know that before walking down the aisle.
QUESTION #4:
How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed?
To measure this, think about the following:
i) How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc?
ii) How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation?
Do they show respect? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything, you cannot expect that they'll have gratitude for you – who can't do nearly as much for them!
iii) Do they gossip and speak badly about others?
Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly will eventually treat you poorly as well.
QUESTION #5:
Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married.
As a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage ... for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you aren’t ready to marry them.
In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.
Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.
Subject: HOW WILL I KNOW IF I'VE MET THE PERSON I SHOULD MARRY?
The choice of a marriage partner should not be based on "I get a warm, wonderful feeling whenever we're together and I want to have that warm wonderful feeling forever, so let's go get married".
Feelings, as we have discussed, have no logic on their own. They need to be acknowledged, of course, but they need considerable assistance from your brain.
Marriage means choosing the person you will spend the rest of your life with. This, as you may have guessed, is a very long time to spend with one person. This person will live with you, eat meals with you, sleep with you and go on vacation with you. More important yet, this person will share your children.
You need to choose wisely. The decision should not be made based on feelings alone. You need to ask yourself some tough questions. The decisions have to be made on solid considerations.
Will this person be a good partner? Is she mature enough to put her own selfish desires aside to look out for what is best for the family? Is he prepared to be a good provider? What is his track record? Is he responsible enough to get a good job and keep it?
Will this person be a good parent? Can you stand the thought of your children turning out exactly like this person? They will, you know. Children spend a lot of time with their parents and consequently pick up many or most of their parents' character traits. You had better like your spouse's traits a lot because you will be seeing them again in your children.
If something were to happen to you, would you completely trust this person, alone, with the task of raising and forming your children? This is not a pleasant thought, but it is an important consideration. Not everyone dies at a ripe old age with great grandchildren gathered around the bed.
Sometimes a parent dies and leaves young children in the care of the other parent. If you feel that you would need to be around to correct or lessen this person's influence on your children, then you are considering the wrong person.
Does this person share your faith in God? God does not give us children so that we can mould them into the coolest, most popular people in school. Our job is to get them to heaven. To do that, we need to raise them believing in God. It is tough to do that if only one parent believes.
Saying "This is right and that is wrong, and I want you to ignore Mommy until you are thirty-five" does not work. Small children ask about eight million questions in a single day. The answers to those questions go a long way toward forming the kind of adults they will become. Who will be answering those questions for your children?
Does this person you are marrying have sexual self-control? Single people sometimes have this idea that marriage is just some kind of lifelong sex festival and that as long as they have each other, they will never be tempted by other people. Wrong!
There are many times in every marriage when one partner or the other is sexually unavailable - illness, the last months of pregnancy, travel. There are also times when spouses, just get on each other’s nerves. At times like this, other people can seem very appealing. That can be dangerous, because there are plenty of very attractive people out there who are willing to make themselves available to married men and women.
Do you want someone who has never said "no" to sex? If he is not good at saying "no" at eighteen, it won't be different at forty. Do you want to worry about whether or not your spouse is being faithful?
These are very important questions, and if you are not comfortable with all of the answers, you should definitely not marry this person.
None if this is to say that feelings play no role at all in a marriage decision. You don't have to say, "Well, I suppose that you would make a good spouse and parent, so even though I don't particularly like you I guess I'll marry you'.
You need to be happy and excited about the prospect of spending your life with someone. Your brain however must acknowledge that this person as a good choice.
Don't listen to your heart alone nor your head alone. Wait until your heart and head agree.
***** Very in-depth, do you agree? There's another entry you can read to find out what you ought to know before getting married. Well I hope my entry has been very informative for you, especially those who are planning to tie the knot soon.
And to Ridzwan, Shaz & Aidil, thanks for letting me publish your entries in my blog.
Yours truly,
noir
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| .:fool's corner:. |
[Jan. 13th, 2008|01:38 pm] |
For years, there have been speculation on certain things, like those I'm going to state below. I believe most of you would have came across some of them. Please note that these are not true. So do stop forwarding them.
Claim : Entering one's pin in reversal at any ATM will summon the police.
Status : False
Click here for the example and origins of this rumour.
Claim : Internet users can receive a cash reward for forwarding messages to test a Microsoft / AOL e-mail tracking system.
Status : False
Click here for the example and origins of this rumour.
Claim : The artificial sweetener aspartame has been proved responsible for an epidemic of cancer, brain tumors and multiple sclerosis.
Status : False
Click here for the example and origins of this rumour.
Claim : Your free online service ( Hotmail, Yahoo!, MSN, Friendster, Myspace, Facebook, AOL's AIM ) is about to cancel the accounts of users who don't forward or repost a particular e-mail message.
Status : False
Click here for the example and origins of this rumour.
It's better to be more careful and well-informed especially when hoaxes are very rampant in the cyber-world. To check on the accuracy of other rumours, go here.
One more thing, stop wasting your time on chain letters. The ghosts of fictional murdered characters won't haunt you if you choose to break the chain.
Yours truly,
noir
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| .:talking to sirens:. |
[Dec. 30th, 2007|12:27 am] |
Tale of the Deaf Frog
Three young frogs, who were yet unwise about the ways of the world, were out one day exploring their environment. They came to a dairy farm and entered the barn, finding a pail half filled with fresh milk. Not knowing what it was and being a little too curious and somewhat careless, two of them jumped right into it. Splash! As they swam about attempting to reach the top of the pail, they found that the sides of the pail were too high and steep to reach.
The third frog, being more timid, only jumped onto the top rim of the bucket. He looked down at his two comrades struggling below to jump out of a white substance. After some failed attempts, he shouted down to them, "You’ll never make it. Face facts and prepare to die."
But since self-preservation is the first rule of life for humans and animals alike, they continued to struggle for as long as possible. The frog on top continued to shout down, “You’ll never make it. Give up and die peacefully.”
Unfortunately, one of the two struggling frogs did not continue and disappeared below the surface never to be seen again.
The one remaining frog was determined not to give up, and he continued to struggle despite the discouragement of his comrade on top of the bucket. He kicked and squirmed and kicked and squirmed until, at last, all his churning about in the milk had turned the cream on top into a big hunk of butter, which was solid enough for him to climb onto and get out of the pail.
When rejoined by his comrade, he thanked him profusely for all the encouragement he shouted down to him. He would never have made it without his help. The frog who survived was deaf.
Lesson to be learnt :
Never give up, encourage others to do the same, and never discourage others.
There is enormous power in words. Your encouraging words can lift someone up and help him or her make it through the day. Remember that encouraging words can go a long way. Always be aware of the power words have because everything you hear and read will affect your actions.
Be careful of what you say to others, and never listen to the negative comments or pessimism of others because they could cause you to give up and discontinue pursuing your goal.
Never use destructive, careless words to others, especially to someone who is down. Those words can cause deep wounds; they may be the weapons that destroy someone's desire to continue trying. Your unkind words can also diminish someone in the eyes of others, destroy their influence, and have a lasting impact on the way others respond to them.
Anyone can speak words that tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in difficult times. But it is a special individual who will take the time to encourage another. Be special to others. Encourage one another and build each other up.
Always stay positive and focused. Be DEAF when people tell you that you cannot reach your goal or fulfill your dreams! Continually remind yourself, “I can do this.”
*****
Tale of the Frogs in the Kettle A group of frogs was thrown into a kettle of boiling water. They immediately jumped out to safety.
Later these same frogs were placed in a kettle of cold water. The water was then heated to a boil. Soon some began to notice a gradual increase in temperature.
Frog A : "I think it's getting hot in here. "
Frog B : "You're imagining things."
Frog C : "It's just the air temperature. We are fine."
Frog A : "Well, I could swear it's getting hot, but maybe you're right."
And so Frog A elects to go along with the crowd. The frogs were oblivious to their peril which eventually led to their demise.
Lesson to be learnt :
This is an anecdote that is used to illustrate how people might get themselves into terrible trouble. It's a warning to keep us paying attention not just to obvious threats but to more slowly developing ones. It's also often used to illustrate how humans have to be careful to watch slowly changing trends, not just the sudden changes.
You will find "frogs in the kettle" anywhere you find denial, minimization or avoidance of a problem. Failing to take responsibility for our problems invariably leads to larger problems later.
Sources :
1. http://www.mizfrogspad.com/Lessons_From_Frogs/lessons_from_frogs.html
2. 9 Critical Mistakes Most Couples Make, Dr. David Hawkins
Yours truly,
noir
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| .:the passenger:. |
[Dec. 27th, 2007|01:03 pm] |
Do read this blog entry : hell hath no fury
This blogger gave her analytical views in response to a video speculated on youtube, in which a girl was screaming vulgarities on the phone in the MRT on knowing that she was being cheated by her boyfriend.
I shall not post my own views simply bcos I feel the same way as this blogger, so just read her flow of thoughts on this issue.
We acknowledge that cheating is wrong but that doesn't stop many of us from having other affairs. And when that happens, pushing the blame to the unfaithful parties won't do much. Instead, it is crucial to address the issue, lay out the reasons behind it and seek a resolution.
Knowing why men cheat can help us understand how a man thinks and what he desires. Sometimes they decide to stray not bcos of their unhappiness in the relationship but rather due to the need to boost their ego. However, most of the time, if not all, their reasons revolve around their sexual desires. That's when their little head empowers their big head.
But, we can't blame men all the time. Cos women are guilty of cheating too and they are not always the victims of infidelity. Knowing why women cheat will make us understand that most of the time women are not emotionally satisfied and they will look elsewhere for affection. And men should feel threatened if that happens bcos with affection comes feelings of love.
Anyways cheating is indeed painful but it can be healthy to the relationship too. Yes you heard me right. If you take it in a positive way, it can strengthen the relationship.
My conclusion? Well, infidelity is just a cheap thrill that doesn't last long. As long as it does not impact the way that person feels about his/her partner, then it's really harmless. But if it does, then that's a problem which should be resolved. If your partner cheats on you, be forgiving and give them a chance to make things better. But if mistakes are repeated then just head towards the exit door with your chin up, knowing that there are better people out there who deserves you more.
Anyway, if you think that talk is cheap here, do know that I've gone through infidelity myself - as the victim and also as the perpetrator. Yes, initially things got worse but after a while the relationship only got better. Much better, in fact. So if you happen to be a victim, don't wallow in misery and say that it's the end of the world. It's only the beginning. And if you are the perpetrator, then you should be responsible for your own actions. Make things better and gain your partner's trust back. It's no easy feat but hey you have to face the consequences. And never dogde your responsibility.
:: There is no right or wrong in love. There is only responsibility. ::
Yours truly,
noir
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| .:on communication skills:. |
[Nov. 25th, 2007|12:31 am] |
"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said,
but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
- Robert McCloskey
Woman says:
"Nothing is wrong."
What she's really saying:
"What do you mean, what's wrong? Don't you know what you did, you stupid jerk? You play with my feelings and my emotions, and have the audacity to ask me what's wrong? I hate you."
Man responds:
"Okay."
What he's really saying:
"Yes! She didn't tell me what's wrong, so I'm not going to ask. Last time I insisted she tell me what's wrong, we talked for an hour ."
(extracted from 'Why Don't Men Ever Listen?' )
Surely this has happened so many times. And why is that so? Bcos we simply have not learnt how to listen to each other. Or rather, we don't even try to. This article 'Why Don't We Listen To Women?' discusses 7 top reasons why people just don't listen. It also states :
Unfortunately, it is human nature to speak more than listen. We -- men and women -- often think that we have more to gain by speaking rather than listening. One big advantage of speaking is that it gives you the chance to control others' thoughts and actions.
But the reality is that if you want to successfully attract and convince people -- especially your spouse -- with your words, you're first going to have to listen to what they have to say.
It's no secret; if you want your relationship to work, you need to learn how to communicate properly.
And to communicate properly, you must be able to listen actively.
We were given two ears but only one mouth.
This is because God knew that listening was twice as hard as talking.
Go to this site to learn about listening skills.
People think that happiness in a relationship is due to luck. But the fact is that if you want to be successful in your long-term romantic relationship, you can't leave things to chance. You have to work for it. It takes a lot of tolerance, commitment, teamwork, sacrifice etc. So if you think that a relationship is just about love and that a bit of TLC here and there will work wonders, you are so wrong. Couples who have gone through years of this will surely agree with me. And of cos, good communication is the key. It's natural to have disagreements. Well you can't expect your partner to think the same way as you do, right? But instead of arguing to win, you should be doing so to understand your significant other better. Like I've said, in a relationship it's not about ME vs YOU. It's about US. I can't stress enough how important having good communications with your partner is. If you are in a relationship and have survived the honeymoon period, then that is definitely the first thing you have to work on, otherwise you will have more trouble later on in the relationship.
So work hard y'all. It does pay off.
Love,kisses and rock&roll,
noir
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| .:The Deibel Rules of Life:. |
[Nov. 18th, 2007|01:01 am] |
For a complete version of the 'Deibel Rules of Life' , go to http://www.cs.washington.edu/homes/deibel/liferules.html .
There's a total of 98 rules stated. What I'm posting here are my favourites.
********************
1. By the butterfly effect, you hold some responsibility for any event that occurs.
2. No matter how hard you try, you will never see the invisible truck that will run you over in the street.
3. One person cannot make a difference unless someone else notices that difference.
4. That which makes you stronger probably should have killed you, but it didn't.
5. It's amazing how much you can say without actually saying it.
6. Talking to yourself is okay. Giving yourself the silent treatment because you're mad at yourself is not.
7. Saving some bread for the future will not work. You can only eat in the present.
8. Happily ever after is not for the real world. The stories of your life don't end when the book does.
9. You are not the hero of some movie, novel, film or story. You're not the villain either. You are not even a supporting character for someone else. You just are.
10. The enemy of 'good' is 'better'.
11. Only the present is fixed. Both the future and the past are mutable in how you look at them.
12. Misunderstood words can still hurt once understanding is achieved.
13. It can get lonely on a planet with approximately 6,000,000,000 people.
14. All views are important to hear because somewhere in the chorus of opinions is the single melody of truth.
********************
Yours truly,
noir
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| .:that boyband phase:. |
[Nov. 16th, 2007|11:47 pm] |
If you were a young pubescent girl in the late 1990s, then I'm sure you've had your share of boybands obsession ( like me ). The "cute" guys and the choreographed dancing. I bet some of you even memorised the dance steps.
By the time I was 14, they didn't appeal to me anymore. Cos that's when I met Aie and he introduced me to Britpop. And since then I started to get to know more types of music that suit my preference. Now that my music taste have revolved, I'm more particular about the quality than the band packaging. If the song manages to ignite my emotions, then it's a great song.
Recently, I youtubed for some of the music videos. And I realised that the guys are not even cute! My pubescent image of cute guys was definitely bad. What a shame! Anyway enjoy the videos. I believe some will bring back memories.
CITA - Babe
Code Red - What Good is a Heart
911 - Bodyshakin'
NSYNC - Tearin' Up My Heart
Boyzone - Love Me for a Reason
BSB - Get Down
Can't remember that much. But at least we got some flashbacks of the 90's.
Yours truly,
noir
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| .:guts vs balls:. |
[Nov. 9th, 2007|05:42 pm] |
We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below…
GUTS
Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
“Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
BALLS
Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say:
“You’re next.”
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
Yours truly,
noir
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| Her PMS & Mood Swings |
[Oct. 4th, 2007|04:48 am] |
Handling Her Period
( By Stephanie Eldred )
You know it's coming; it happens every month without fail. It's her period. Her period of what? Well, that depends on the girl. It could be crying, fits of anger, yelling, pizza consumption or chocolate obsession. Regardless, you'll have to agree that it is in your best interest to keep your head down, figure it out and take it like a man -- especially considering that the alternative starts with a "Honey, I'm late" conversation. For the most part, in the 7 to 10 days before her period, PMS-inflicted women have been given license to run amok, and survival should be your main goal.
While it might seem like she turns into a screaming banshee just to make your life hell, rest assured that it's no picnic for her either. Fortunately, there are ways to make it easier on the both of you -- the focus needs to be on reducing her irritation and discomfort, which will in turn reduce the ear-splitting yelling, irrational arguments and fits of tears that you'll have to endure.
Read on for tips that you can rely on month after month to get you through her PMS episodes and her period. Each woman is different, but the effects of PMS can be universal, so use this handy guide to find her symptoms and customize your battle plan.
Don't point out her PMS symptomsWomen can be touchy about being labeled as a raving lunatic for a few days a month, and very few will admit that they're affected. If you notice her behavior getting out of control and you feel the need to mention it, just don't blame the PMS. Assuming that her behavior is strictly due to her raging hormones, it will discount the possibility that her feelings are valid, and will therefore only make her angrier.
You might consider yourself to be a pretty funny guy, and some women do provide plenty of fodder for entertaining comments when under the influence of PMS. Save the commentary for your buddies, well out of earshot of the lady in question. The last thing you should ever do is make jokes about her symptoms, whether it's acne that rivals a teenagers', an attitude reminiscent of Attila the Hun, or eating binges that conjure comparisons to a pack of wild dogs. There isn't a woman alive who won't react badly to even the gentlest ribbing, so it's best to pretend like nothing is any different than usual.
Don’t drop any surprisesYour girlfriend is bound to be a bit moody at the very least, and possibly depressed or anxious, so the last thing you want do is spring any kind of surprise on her. This can include any big news that can wait for a better time when she can give it her full attention with a sane mind and without the impact of her period. In fact, you better expand the big-news category to include any questions or problems that would require her to make grand decisions.
Obviously, small gifts and simple treats don't fall into the particular category of surprises that need to be avoided; a thoughtful bouquet of flowers or her favorite meal will make an even bigger impression than usual if she already feels a bit emotional.
What you should be more concerned with is those surprises that can't automatically be taken positively. For example, while you may have had many conversations about how to decorate the spare room and have thrown around some ideas, you may not want to go ahead and surprise her with a full-blown renovation or impromptu decoration if there's any possibility that it isn't exactly what she imagined. Likewise, big purchases that she should be included in, like that brand new 57" plasma TV, might be a bit more than she can handle right now, and her temper might win out over your sincere gesture. It's best to discuss things with her in advance during the best of times, so skip that step when she's even more likely to overreact.
Reduce social activitiesFeeling bloated, sore and uncomfortable doesn't make for an enchanting evening, so don't be surprised if your lady doesn't live up to her usual social butterfly standards around this time of the month. It's always a good idea to check with her before confirming social plans that include her, and it's even more vital when her body and hormones have a mind of their own.
Be especially aware of events that might require her to dress up, a lot of women get a little bloated, while some can gain up to five pounds in the week before their period, which means you will probably be subject to wardrobe mayhem and the "Do I look fat in this" extravaganza. The same goes for physically active social outings like a group rock-climbing trip or camping expedition, running it past your girlfriend first will either let her make the necessary preparations or will let her suggest dates that are a little more appropriate for her.
This is also a good time for you to make sure to squash the possibility of surprise drop-ins from your buddies for the big game by planning something out of the house. Playing hostess is not likely at the top of her to-do list, and you won't want your friends around to witness the aftermath of her latest meltdown.
Accommodate her diet changesWomen often seek comfort food, carbs and chocolate when they're PMS-ing regardless of their otherwise strict diet. Don't be surprised if your Atkins-devoted girlfriend manages to scarf down half a pizza -- no really, don't be surprised -- and don't comment on her new dietary choices. It isn't up to you to monitor what she's eating, and the best you can do right now is stay out of her way, and maybe keep the kitchen a little more stocked than usual.
When she complains that her clothes feel a bit tight and she doesn't feel great, rather than point out the six brownies she ate in one sitting yesterday, grab her hand and take her for a walk. The exercise and fresh air will help to improve her mood, and she'll appreciate that she doesn't have to deal with an I-told-you-so boyfriend who is doubling as the diet police.
A bonus reminder that can help you all month long -- and is worth paying attention to if you value your life -- involves the foods you spot around her kitchen. If you see snacks that seem like things she wouldn't normally eat, don't take advantage and grab them thinking she won't notice. You may have stumbled across her secret stash of PMS snacks, and if they aren't there when she goes for them, there will be hell to pay.
Take on some of her choresIf you're lucky, you might get away with a woman who is simply a little bossier than usual; whether she's asking you to run to the store to pick up tampons or help her with yard work, if her chore list is within reason and physically possible, just do it. The very last thing you want to do is introduce any opportunity for conflict where it isn't absolutely vital.
Your otherwise perfectly capable girlfriend might just be asking because she needs to feel looked after or because she doesn't feel up to doing something herself. Either way, you need to weigh the benefits and consequences of starting an argument about taking out the trash or some other mundane activity, and decide if denying a request on principle is worth more to you than earning a thank you and some peace and quiet.
This tip doesn't just apply to what you do; it also applies to what you don't do. Simple things around the house that usually get on her nerves, like the never-ending toilet seat debate and the clothes in the hamper debacle, should be avoided when you know she's already on high alert for yelling opportunities.
hormonal hellWhile it isn't your job to walk on eggshells around your girlfriend a few days out of every month, it might be a wise investment. You could be one of the lucky ones who escapes with only minor inconveniences and slight adjustments to daily life, but there's always a chance that you'll end up with a woman who requires a bit more effort and finesse. Keeping these tips in mind can help you in both situations, and can not only help things run more smoothly, but they just might save your relationship.
Her Mood Swings
( By Stephanie Eldred )
Every man knows that even the most sweet and loving girlfriend can morph into a raging lunatic every once in awhile. And while it might be your first impulse to blame PMS, be aware that there are more forces at work in her sudden mental shifts than just "that time of the month." Automatically blaming hormones is likely to escalate the problem and have you running for cover.
A bad day at work, a fight with a friend, family discord, or even a seemingly small disappointment can all lead to a girlfriend that is all over the emotional map. While it isn't your duty to make everything OK, it is worthwhile for you to uncover the root of the problem or do your best to try and not provoke her into an unnecessary argument. Read on for a few easy tips to tackle any unanticipated mood and make it out alive.
Mood: DistantA woman that is pulling away from you and is not responsive to your presence can be a curveball that most men aren't expecting. If you've only encountered conflicts involving yelling and the hurling of projectiles in the past (both situations where retreating is the obvious course), it might be hard to resist the urge to chase down a woman that is acting in a detached manner.
However, when you find yourself faced with a girl that doesn't want to talk, it's usually best to give her a little breathing room to pull herself together before you start digging into what's going on. If you push her to talk before she is ready not only will you not get the facts, you'll most likely wind up with a resentful and defensive woman on your hands.
Mood: DepressedIf her mood swing is leaning toward emotional meltdown rather than raging rampage, your woman is probably going to be in need of comfort and encouragement rather than space and time alone (both of which might make her mood even worse). Try giving her a little physical but non-sexual affection to let her know that she is cared for and appreciated. If her bad mood lasts longer than expected, try setting up a date night reminiscent of happier times, like a return to a favorite restaurant or a memorable destination.
A surprise like this delivered unexpectedly can do wonders to lighten her mood and let her know that you are going to stick it out and help her through a rough time rather than bail when she isn't at her bubbly best.
Mood: AngryThere is a big difference between provoked anger and the unjustifiable variety. If her foul mood is a result of something you've said or done, step up and take the apology initiative rather than wait for her to form a battle plan and call you on it. But if it's out-of-the-blue rage that's stepping into your relationship, the last thing you want to do is apologize out of turn. Instead, probe cautiously to find out the actual source of the problem. Avoid making sweeping judgments or offering rash solutions.
Be prepared to back off quickly if she isn't able to have a civil conversation or articulate her thoughts in a rational manner -- if that happens, refer back to the entry on being distant.
Mood: NeedyAfter a disappointment or letdown, your woman might be feeling in need of the reassurance that the two of you are a team that's in it together. Whatever you do, don't confuse a woman that is emotionally needy with one that is more materially inclined -- the materially needy girl can be placated with gifts and tokens of affection, but those in emotional need are going to require a bit more finesse.
The best way to demonstrate your support is to give a little in areas that are important to her. Has she been bugging you to go bowling or accompany her to pick out a new couch? Now might be the time to bend a little in order to soothe her and help her feel secure so that she doesn't need to act out in a clingy way in other areas of your relationship. Just showing a little bit of flexibility will go a long way.
Mood: DeflatedThe difference between a depressed woman and a deflated woman is sketchy. Good indicators are the duration of the mood (depression tends to take a bit longer to get over) and how she deals with it: Deflation tends to conjure up listlessness rather than the tears common to depression.
A girlfriend that feels like she's lost the wind in her sails, whether because she's gained a bit of weight, lost a job or just isn't feeling her best, might prompt you to overcompliment in order to build her back up. Unfortunately, transparent compliments are useless and nothing you say can will change what she believes to be true. Instead, start by gently dismissing her self-conscious comments and avoid getting into a prolonged discussion on the topic; stop the analytics before she can sink her teeth into them.
If you find that a common self-criticism keeps cropping up, try playfully agreeing or blowing it out of proportion to draw attention to just how ridiculous she's being -- but as this is a touchy area, tread lightly.
Mood: StressedA stressed-out woman is a force to be reckoned with and, as you might already know, there is no reasoning with one. Whether the stress is justifiable in your mind or seemingly invented, you have two choices: Stay out of her way or do something to take some of the pressure off. Something as simple as doing a load of laundry or taking care of dinner can make a huge impact on her already overloaded mental checklist of things that are required of her.
Even if the gesture is small, it is still one less thing she'll need to worry about. Picking up the slack around the house or with errands and outside demands will let you score a few points without being in her way or demanding more of her time. The last thing you want to do is to act as another source of distress or obligation for her.
Bonus Mood: HornyIt doesn't happen often, but every once in a while a mood swing will suit your girlfriend. Better yet, it will suit you too, and you'll be wise to take advantage. There is a rare breed of mood that can be classified as distracted horny or distressed horny, and it usually comes about as the result of a girlfriend that is on the brink of other emotions, but manages to distract herself with lusty thoughts.
Tread lightly if you think you see that look in her eyes; one false step can catapult this mood into oblivion, only to be replaced with a much more unsettling one. And if you do find yourself faced with a woman in need of distraction or affection, do your best to put on a good show for her. You'll never have a more appreciative audience.
when the mood is right…Women are confounding creatures, and most can and will travel through each of these moods with lightning speed. Paying attention to where she lands on the mood-swing scale is your best defense and will serve both you and your relationship well. You won't be able to fix her issues every single time, but you've now got a fighting chance at bringing the intensity of an episode down a few notches.
Definitely useful to help the guys understand girls and prepare for any kind of moodswing related situations. And equally useful for us girls to help understand ourselves. We are an emotional wreck most of the time but with conscious effort, we can control that instability. We have to make friends with our hormones. They're what make us colorful and unpredictable. If other girls have a hard time with that, then that's their problem.
Yours truly,
noir |
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| The Stupid Things Women Do & Some Updates |
[Oct. 2nd, 2007|03:59 am] |
( By Curt Smith )
"Men are renowned for doing stupid things. In fact, every time a man's penis is involved in a situation, nothing but stupidity is likely to flow from his mouth.
Men have earned that reputation with women and deservedly so after countless years of unimaginative excuses such as, "I didn't know she was going to take her clothes off," or "I thought I told you I was meeting my ex for dinner" or even better, "I don't know how to wash dishes!"
Men say dumb things and sometimes do dumb things, but women aren't immune from occasional screw ups. The difference between men and women is that when women do something brainless, they tend to take it to another level.
I am far from being Mr. Perfect, but women aren't always on the ball either. When they are guilty of a blunder, it tempts men everywhere to join the priesthood. Here are my personal pet peeves about women. going back to bad boyfriendsHow many times have we seen this happen? A woman who has been in a terrible relationship finally finds the courage to break free, only to unceremoniously go back to her terrible boyfriend or husband months later.
This puzzles me to the same extent that the creation of the universe does. In most cases, the guy is genuinely rotten. Among his faults: he didn't love her, treated her like a slave, didn't appreciate her, or may have even slapped her a couple of times. But to some women, all is forgiven once the six-month restraining order expires.
Why is it that when we are in a relationship, women always accuse us of being unable to change, yet they assume a couple of months apart without the constant nagging will somehow miraculously transform us into the male incarnation of Mother Teresa?
Most women need to wake up. Men don't change, they just become bitter and vengeful. Do women think we cheated on them before? Guess what? Now that we know they'll take us back after we screw up, they should get ready for a steady dose of heartache.
I feel no remorse for women who return to terrible relationships. If they aren't smart enough to realize what they're doing, why should we care? I don't know, but we still do. That's why I feel compelled to repeat myself. For all the ladies out there reading this, remember: if you left him once , there was a valid reason for it. freaking out over casual sexIn many ways, we live in an even more sexually open society now than we did in the swinging 60's or 70's. It seems like wherever we go, we are bombarded with sex, feeding our desires and being free to experience our sexuality.
So, as a society, we have indulged and begun living out this lifestyle. Last time I checked, this society consisted of both male and female participants, therefore, it isn't only men pushing this new social agenda. Women can't go around saying, "all men are pigs" while using their own sexuality to get ahead in life.
With so many things in our lives changing every day, it's understandable when two people forgo a formal relationship in lieu of casual sex. Men love casual sex. Deep down, we all want to be married to the perfect wife, with the perfect 2,3 kids and 1,2 dogs, but this isn't realistic.
To the men who do find this kind of marital bliss, I could only say that I sincerely envy you. For the rest of us whose lives are so hectic that we miss birthdays like we miss appointments, the optimal solution is casual sex.
Women also love casual sex. Men have always secretly known that the real sexual predators are female; behind all the coy glances and hard-to-get attitudes, women are much more sexual than we are. So when a man and woman engage in casual sex, why is the man always the villain?
You don't just have casual sex; it's not like raindrops falling from the sky. Casual sex is the result of an understanding between a man and woman that they are about to consummate a physical relationship. It's understood before the first touch; it's about sex -- nothing else.
So why do women still insist that you commit to a relationship afterwards? Not every woman does this, but many do. Women shouldn't feel used or any less special because they are in a casual sexual relationship. It works both ways and if she feels used, why shouldn't the man? Men don't feel taken advantage of because they understand that casual sex is about satisfying their "mini-me" and libido and not about seeking their soul mate.
So to the women who need a "full-time" partner, I say get over it. If you can't handle casual sex, sit at home and wait by the phone for Tom Cruise to call, or go back to your terrible boyfriend.
expecting the men to not look
The last thing that really irks me about women is that they assume men are blind. When a woman asks us if we think her dress is pretty or if the flowers in her garden are beautiful, we are expected to recognize and acknowledge the beauty of these things. So why is it that when a beautiful woman walks past us, we can't acknowledge her too?
If I see a great car, I make a comment. When watching a hockey game, I acknowledge a good slapshot or a well-executed powerplay goal. When I eat good Chinese food, I let everyone know how tasty it is.
So why oh why do women assume that the eyes we have should all of sudden go blind at the sight of a good-looking woman? I am secure enough to recognize a good-looking guy, so why should it be any different with an attractive woman?
Women don't realize that men have radars, the kind that are so sophisticated that the CIA is envious. We can spot a pair of nice legs a mile away. So don't expect us to all of a sudden become Stevie Wonder at the first sign of an even remotely attractive woman.
Being slightly jealous is sweet, but being possessive doesn't cut it. Granted, there are plenty of men who suffer from the same problem. My advice to women on this topic is simple: unless your partner is undressing a woman with his eyes, don't say anything and move on.
what did we learn?
I have no illusions of grandeur. I know that one article won't change the world, but if even one woman changes just an iota, I'll be happy. I'm tired of bad advice; I'm tired of this political correctness bulls--t that plagues people. I'm tired of people doing the same stupid things. Men and women of earth, learn from me because I won't be here forever. Okay, that's enough self-serving self-indulgence for one day.
Once again, remember: bad boyfriends will always be bad; if you can't hack a casual sex relationship, then don't start one; and men aren't bats -- they see everything. "
The article says it all. Women should really heed these advices.
Anyway I'll update on a few things. September passed very fast. Too fast in fact. Perhaps to offset the slow-moving month of August? The last few days I have drained myself of energy and had to get my nicotine dose yesterday to keep myself going. That shows how exhausted I really am.All in all, September was a very good month. I have been very blissful and nothing got in the way, not even the desperate attempts of some people to make me feel crappy. ABSURDLY JUVENILE they are. It tickles me a lot to see how pathetic they can be.
Anyway all my students are having their national exams this week and I have been very busy preparing them. Stressful it is. Anyway I'm very proud of one of them. She's in Pri 6 and she got her English and Malay essays published in the school's composition book. Sounds like it's no big deal right? Not until you know that she's a Filipino. And I dare say that her Malay is better than even some Malay students. I read it and its very impressive.
I cant wait for next week! I can finally watch Resident Evil! Oh apparently it's already out in Indo. And Im gonna watch it before its released here. Yay!
Seems like Im gonna be occupied a lot these few days. So many things to do and get. Nonetheless Im very excited. I will finally be able to get my well-deserved holiday soon as a reward for doing great this year. =)
"Dede chayank, wait for Bunda aite. I will be there soon. "
Yours truly,
noir
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