In my previous entry I mentioned briefly about the idea of marriage and how it can make one shudder at the thought of it. Not that I'm scared of it, but there's just too many things to consider carefully before going into it. A marriage as we can see can either make or break a relationship. And definitely all of us want a perfect happy marriage. Sadly there's a lot of people who thinks that as long as you marry the person you love, the marriage will be perfect and happiness will follow suit. What they forget is that a great marriage is a product of lots of effort from both parties. Recently I've come across a few commendable blog entries touching on marriage issues.

The first one is about something closer to home - about Malay marriages and why they seem to be in a mess especially with the high divorce rates. This entry is one of many provocative entries discussing more about the Malay community in Singapore. I strongly recommend you to check out Ridzwan.com.

The Malay Marriage Mess

3 Main Reasons Why Malay Couples Are Doomed From the Start

In my first year of secondary school, a teacher made a very racist comment that I will never forget. Stepping into class one morning, he asked:
“Boys, do you know what's the difference between a Chinese lady, an Indian lady and a Malay lady?”

The whole class looked at each other, puzzled beyond comprehension. What has this got to do with Geography? The teacher looked around for a minute or two, anticipating a glimpse of anyone who might put up his hand. But none did so he went on,

“Well boys, listen carefully. A Chinese lady, will not care if her man is handsome or does not have a good character. As long as he has money.

An Indian lady, will not care if her man is handsome or has no money. As long as he has good character.

A Malay lady, will not care if her man has no money or character. As long as he is handsome.”

In Victoria, the Malay student population then was comparatively small, especially so in my class. All four of us Malay boys looked at each other nervously after that short remark, shrugged it off and just got back to work. We didn't bother to protest because the teacher's known to skilfully repel any opposition to his words. He's after all, a grand old man of 65 at that time.

The teacher has since passed on. But his words linger in my mind to this very day. Not because they were extremely racist, but because till now I still wonder if there just might be some element of truth to what he said 13 years ago.

Could my teacher's short parable be the answer as to why so many of our Malay marriages are doomed right from the start? Well, I wouldn't know. I may be Malay but I'm no woman. Only they have the answer to that.

What I do know is that the Malay matrimonial scene is in a wreck. Percentage wise, we have the highest divorce rate here in Singapore – yet another notorious title. If you have four Malay wedding invitations on any given Sunday, you can be sure that one of them will end in a divorce. It is that bad.

So what is it that Malay couples are doing wrong that other races are getting right? Is it because of the lack of religion knowledge, like so many of these 'Ustazs' are claiming? If the answer lies in appreciating Islam, why then are non-Muslim couples fairing better than us?

The answer is more universal and less cryptic. Malay marriage mess is happening due to these 3 main reasons.

Standards Set By Malay Women

I will most probably come under heavy fire for this, but I will say it anyway. One of the reasons why our marriages fail is that most Malay women fall in love way too easily.

Although I would disagree with my late teacher about the “as-long-as-he's-handsome” part, I do admit that most Malay women will develop a liking for a guy as long as she finds him “nice”.

The process in which a Malay woman falls in love is noticeably less complicated than that of other races and is due mainly to our culture. Malays are generally brought up and trained to never look at a person's wealth or status as a measure of a man. We have been told since young that this is wrong and that a person should only be judged by how polite, religious and respectful he is towards his folks. That, according to our elders, is the key to happiness.

The cultural stigma remains till this very day. When a Malay girl brings home a guy to meet her parents, little is asked of his financial position and education. The focus will be on how religious or polite he is. It does not matter very much if the guy has been an academic failure all his life or does not hold a very stable career. As long as he is “nice”.

This criteria would have been fine for choosing a wife. But the fact is, a husband – leader and main breadwinner, has to be chosen with a more stringent criteria other than just being religious or “nice”. Too many families have collapsed because of economically dysfunctional husbands whose salaries cannot keep up with the changing times. Being “nice” will not pay the bills nor tuition for the kids 15 years down the road.

Be like the weaver bird. The reason why male weaver birds are such strong agile creatures is because the females of the species demand a lot from the males. Before a female would agree to mate, she will demand to look at the nest which he has built. If the nest is not up to her standard, she would simply fly off in search of another mating partner. As a result male weaver birds evolve strongly and are one of the most revered birds in the animal kingdom.

Similarly, Malay women must collectively set a much higher standard for their men. For when they do, the heat will be upon us to improve economically and socially. As a result, the entire community improves. It just takes that change of mindset.
But for now, plenty of Malay men are still slacking and taking their future very lightly. Why bother? They know they will be able to find a wife one day anyway. All you need to be is just “nice”.

Short Courting Period

The issue of Malays marrying early is not an alien one. It has received special mention by a very concerned Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew quite some time back. The concept is actually very simple – young couples are simply not equipped to handle a family. Everyone understands that.

But I would like to zoom in on the definition of “marrying early” from another perspective – courting period.

Malay couples generally make the decision to get married very early on into the relationship. Usually within a year of knowing each other, a commitment would have been made to start a family. I personally know of a friend who's gotten married to a man she's known for only eight months! Needless to say, that marriage is now on the rocks. I pray that they ride out the storm.

Once again, it's a cultural phenomenon. Malay elders frown on long courting periods and marriage is usually pressured upon once a man and woman is known to like each other. The derogatory term that they use for couples that have been long together without marrying is “pengantin basi” (stale newly-weds). Having a “pengantin basi” in the family is considered to be a social embarrassment and should be avoided.

I am a strong believer in the concept that a person's true colours can only be seen either after 12 months or after a major quarrel – whichever comes earlier. Before this period, not everything you see is what you will get as initial pretences will take a while to dismantle. There will probably never be any hard data to conclude this theory. But then again, life's most complicated concepts are usually built on none.

Malay couples must extend their courting time longer and get to know each other better before making that big decision. This is essential to avoiding any bad surprises long after the wedding drums have fell silence. After all, “differences in personality” is cited as the number one reason why Malay couples divorce. Perhaps they should have just waited that 12 months.

Financial Delinquency

I am not sure where it comes from, but it seems that more Malay women today are demanding that their men be driving cars.

Has it not occurred to them that everybody can drive a car today? It's just a matter of whether you want to or not ever since the $0 down payment rule was implemented. Any chap who can make the monthly payments will have the “luxury” of a vehicle in his hands – even someone who earns $800 a month sweeping the roads.

A car does not equate to being successful anymore. It just means that you are having a hefty debt . Unfortunately a lack of financial intelligence in the Malay community has given rise to misconceptions such as these. Middle class symbols such as cars, cards and fancy electronic goods are now a must-have to show people that you “have arrived”. Most cannot wait to pay for it in cash, taking huge loans in the process.

Needless to say, this financial attitude has given rise to a host of social problems within the Malay community. According to a recent statistic from MUIS, applicants for “zakat” (alms given by the public) this year has risen dramatically – most of them coming from young males in their twenties. How are males like these supposed to raise happy and contented families?

The matter of fact is simple. You marry someone who is financially delinquent, you will bear the consequences. You insist on a man who drives, you build a family saddled with debt right from the start. Remember well that “money problems” has been cited as the second leading cause of divorce amongst Malays. The awareness of financial delinquency is essential to keeping our Malay families happy.

I am glad to say that all my university friends, despite commanding the salaries that they have, are still sticking to public transport or using car sharing services like those offered by NTUC when a vehicle is needed. It is better to be flush with cash rather than one who drives but counts every penny like a pauper. Perhaps this is the attitude that we need to emulate. Else it could just make us another digit in the divorce statistics.

*****

Next entry talks about how to choose your life partner - all those things you have to consider before deciding that your partner is the right one for you and to check how ready you are for the marriage. So obviously both of us are not ready yet. Well, what's the rush anyway? Anyway this entry is taken from Shaz & Aidil's blog.

5 Golden Rules for Finding Your Life Partner

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with rising divorce rates, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding.

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love." I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date.

Choosing a life partner should never be based on love (alone). Though this may sound not politically correct, there's a profound truth here. Love (alone) is not the basis for getting married.

Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more.

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1:
Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important?
Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone.

What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart.

To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life – bottom line - and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2:
Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust! i.e. trust that I won't get "punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.

A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings.

Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3:
Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person.

How can you test? Here are some suggestions.
i) Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?
ii) Are they serious about improving themselves?

A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing".

"So, ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic?"

Usually, a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world: People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort.

Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing.You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4:
How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed?

To measure this, think about the following:
i) How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc?
ii) How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation?
Do they show respect? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them everything, you cannot expect that they'll have gratitude for you – who can't do nearly as much for them!
iii) Do they gossip and speak badly about others?
Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION #5:
Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to "improve" them after they're married.

As a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change after marriage ... for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you aren’t ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.

Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework.

Subject: HOW WILL I KNOW IF I'VE MET THE PERSON I SHOULD MARRY?

The choice of a marriage partner should not be based on "I get a warm, wonderful feeling whenever we're together and I want to have that warm wonderful feeling forever, so let's go get married".

Feelings, as we have discussed, have no logic on their own. They need to be acknowledged, of course, but they need considerable assistance from your brain.

Marriage means choosing the person you will spend the rest of your life with. This, as you may have guessed, is a very long time to spend with one person. This person will live with you, eat meals with you, sleep with you and go on vacation with you. More important yet, this person will share your children.

You need to choose wisely. The decision should not be made based on feelings alone. You need to ask yourself some tough questions. The decisions have to be made on solid considerations.

Will this person be a good partner? Is she mature enough to put her own selfish desires aside to look out for what is best for the family? Is he prepared to be a good provider? What is his track record? Is he responsible enough to get a good job and keep it?

Will this person be a good parent? Can you stand the thought of your children turning out exactly like this person? They will, you know. Children spend a lot of time with their parents and consequently pick up many or most of their parents' character traits. You had better like your spouse's traits a lot because you will be seeing them again in your children.

If something were to happen to you, would you completely trust this person, alone, with the task of raising and forming your children? This is not a pleasant thought, but it is an important consideration. Not everyone dies at a ripe old age with great grandchildren gathered around the bed.

Sometimes a parent dies and leaves young children in the care of the other parent. If you feel that you would need to be around to correct or lessen this person's influence on your children, then you are considering the wrong person.

Does this person share your faith in God? God does not give us children so that we can mould them into the coolest, most popular people in school. Our job is to get them to heaven. To do that, we need to raise them believing in God. It is tough to do that if only one parent believes.

Saying "This is right and that is wrong, and I want you to ignore Mommy until you are thirty-five" does not work. Small children ask about eight million questions in a single day. The answers to those questions go a long way toward forming the kind of adults they will become. Who will be answering those questions for your children?

Does this person you are marrying have sexual self-control? Single people sometimes have this idea that marriage is just some kind of lifelong sex festival and that as long as they have each other, they will never be tempted by other people. Wrong!

There are many times in every marriage when one partner or the other is sexually unavailable - illness, the last months of pregnancy, travel. There are also times when spouses, just get on each other’s nerves. At times like this, other people can seem very appealing. That can be dangerous, because there are plenty of very attractive people out there who are willing to make themselves available to married men and women.

Do you want someone who has never said "no" to sex? If he is not good at saying "no" at eighteen, it won't be different at forty. Do you want to worry about whether or not your spouse is being faithful?

These are very important questions, and if you are not comfortable with all of the answers, you should definitely not marry this person.

None if this is to say that feelings play no role at all in a marriage decision. You don't have to say, "Well, I suppose that you would make a good spouse and parent, so even though I don't particularly like you I guess I'll marry you'.

You need to be happy and excited about the prospect of spending your life with someone. Your brain however must acknowledge that this person as a good choice.

Don't listen to your heart alone nor your head alone. Wait until your heart and head agree.

*****

Very in-depth, do you agree? There's another entry you can read to find out what you ought to know before getting married. Well I hope my entry has been very informative for you, especially those who are planning to tie the knot soon. 

And to Ridzwan, Shaz & Aidil, thanks for letting me publish your entries in my blog.

Yours truly,
noir

"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, 
but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant." 
- Robert McCloskey

Reduce social activities

Accommodate her diet changes

Take on some of her chores

hormonal hell

Mood: Distant

Mood: Depressed

Mood: Angry

Mood: Needy

Mood: Deflated

Mood: Stressed

Bonus Mood: Horny

when the mood is right…

going back to bad boyfriends

freaking out over casual sex

Definition
(verb) to annoy, badger, bend someone's ear, berate, breathe down someone's neck, worry, harrass, hassle, henpeck, pester, plague, provoke, scold, torment
(noun) a person, especially a woman, who nags 
Nagging is a term used almost exclusively by men to describe women.

Women nag, Men moan
A group of women eating in a restaurant were overheard having a group discussion about their husbands. 

Blonde woman: "You know, he's never satisfied. He's always complaining. If I don't want sex at the same time as him, he moans to me so much, sometimes I just give in to shut him up and then I don't enjoy it much. Maybe I don't feel in the mood. But he goes on and on and on until it's just much easier to go along with it than to listen to him moan." 

Brunette: "Stephen's the same. He's always finding fault with what I do. If I dress up to go out to dinner with his friends, he complains that I make more effort for them than I ever do for him. He goes on about how maybe I find his friends more attractive than him. If I dress down, he whines that I don't care about him enough to take care with my appearance. Sometimes I feel I can't win." 

Third woman: "So why is it that men always say women nag?" 

Group laughter.

How the Nagger Feels 
The nagger always hopes their victim will be motivated into some positive action by being made to feel guilty. They hope he'll be spurred into action, if not by realizing he is in the wrong, then maybe simply to stop the tirade. Women know they nag, but that doesn't mean they enjoy it. Usually they're only doing it as a means to an end.

Some women have turned nagging into an art form. We have identified five basic nags— 
1. The Single Subject Nag: "Kurt, how about taking out the trash?" A pause. "Kurt, you said you'd take out the trash." Another five minutes later. "What about that trash, Kurt? It's still sitting there." 
2. The Multi-Nag: "The grass in front of the house looks a mess, Bob, the doorknob is falling off the bedroom door, and the back window is still stuck. When are you going to wash the car and . . ." etc., etc. 
3. The Beneficial Nag: "Have you taken your pills today, Ray? And stop eating that pizza—it's bad for your cholesterol and weight . . ." 
4. The Third-Party Nag: "Well, Moira says Shane has already got their BBQ cleaned out and they're having people over tomorrow. Summer will be finished at the rate you're going." 
5. The Advance Nag: "Well, I hope you're going to watch your drinking tonight, Dale. We don't want a repeat of last year's fiasco."

Usually, women laugh hardest at these descriptions. They recognize themselves and their words, but still they see no real alternative.

When nagging gets out of hand, the nagger's relationships with others can really suffer. Men may ignore her even more, which will only fuel her irritation and, sometimes, rage. She may end up feeling alone and may become resentful and miserable. When it gets out of hand, it's been known to destroy relationships completely.

How the Victim Feels 
From a male standpoint, nagging is a continual, indirect, negative reminder about the things he hasn't done, or about his shortcomings. It happens mainly at the end of the day when a man needs fire-gazing time.

The more the nagger nags, the more the victim retreats behind the kind of defensive barriers that drive the nagger crazy. These barriers include newspapers, computers, homework, a gloomy face, amnesia, apparent deafness and TV remote controls. No one likes being on the receiving end of subdued rage, ambiguous messages, self-pity and blame or having guilt continually thrust at them. Everyone avoids the nagger, leaving her alone and feeling resentful. When she starts feeling even more trapped, unrecognized and isolated, the victim may suffer even more.

The more the nagger nags, the more isolated she becomes. The only real outcome from nagging is the destruction of the relationship between the nagger and the victim because the victim feels he has to continually defend himself.

Why Do Women Make Better Naggers? 
Most women have the brain organization to out-talk and out-nag any man on the planet.

Women have far greater capacity for talking than men. This explains why, from a woman's standpoint, men don't say much and, from a man's standpoint, women never seem to shut up.

A female brain is organized for multitracking—she can juggle four or five balls in the air at the same time. She can run a computer program while talking on the telephone plus listen to a second conversation behind her, all the time drinking a cup of coffee. She can talk about several unrelated topics in the one conversation and uses five vocal tones to change the subject or emphasize points. Men can identify only three of those tones. As a result, men often lose the plot when listening to women talk.

* * * Multitracking can even occur in a single sentence—

Bill: "Is Sue coming over for Christmas?"

Debbie: "Sue said she'll come depending on how things go with carpet orders which have slowed down because of the economy and Fiona may not come because Andrew has to see a specialist and Nathan has lost his job too so he has to get a new one and Jodi can't get time off work—her boss is so tough!—so Sue said she could come down early and we could go dress shopping for Emma's wedding and I thought that if we put her and Len in the guest bedroom we could ask Ray to arrive early so . . ."

Bill: "Does that mean 'yes' or 'no'?"

Debbie: "Well, it also depends on whether Diana's boss Adrian will give her time off work because his car is off the road and she has to . . ." etc., etc. . . .

Bill thought he had asked a simple question and he would have been happy with a simple answer like "yes" or "no." Instead, he got a multitracked answer involving nine different subjects and eleven people. He feels frustrated and goes outside to water the garden.

Male brains are organized for monotracking. They can only concentrate on one thing at a time. When a man opens a map, he turns the radio off. If she talks with him when he's driving on a rotary, he'll miss his exit and then blame her because she was talking. When a telephone rings he asks everyone to be quiet so he can answer it. For some men, often in the most powerful positions, it can even prove hard to walk and chew gum at the same time.

Men's brains are monotracked. They can't make love and answer questions on why they haven't taken out the garbage at the same time.

One of the big problems for men is when multitracking happens during the nagging process. It's all too much for him so he simply shuts off. This goes on to begin a vicious cycle of the nagger increasing her volume and the strength of her accusations or claim to entitlement while the victim retreats further behind his barrier, often to the point of putting physical distance between himself and the nagger. Leaving the scene may not always be possible and the pressure will build up to a point where the victim will strike back resulting in a bitter argument. Sometimes that could even spill over into physical violence.

Ways To Deal With Your Woman's Nagging
( By Ryan Murphy )

1- Agree with her
By simply acknowledging the validity of her complaints you'll be able to buy yourself invaluable time. Granted, the problems won't be any closer to being resolved, but she'll be so pleased that you've come around to her way of thinking that she'll temporarily let you off the hook.

2- Tune it out
When she cranks up the volume of her whining, crank up the volume on your stereo just like you used to do with your mom or, better yet, simply zone out altogether. Be forewarned, however, that nagging is a lot like the clap: Ignoring it won't make it go away. Tuning her out may be a decent short-term solution, but ultimately it'll infuriate her more than missing a one-day liquidation sale at her favorite shoe store.

3- Pick your battles
Sometimes you have to know when a battle is worth fighting, and when surrendering is more advantageous. If she gripes about you leaving your dirty dishes in the sink, never taking out the dog, and six other unpardonable offenses, raise your little white flag (or tighty-whities -- either will do). Then, when it comes to the four other things she nags about, show her you did all of the errands she harassed you about earlier. She'll be so pleased with your effort, you'll be able to leave the toilet seat up for a week (not a guarantee).

4- Attempt a preemptive strike
If her biggest issue is the mess you leave when the boys come over for poker night, make an effort to clean it before she has a chance to open her cave-sized trap. We know, it sounds almost too easy, but taking five minutes to clean up after yourself can save you from three hours of mind-numbing, soul-crushing, ball-stomping nagging.

5- Give deadlines & meet them
You're watching the Super Bowl and she won't stop harping about replacing the light bulbs in the foyer. Just assure her it will be done during halftime or, more specifically, as soon as the game ends -- and then do it. In the future, she'll know there's no need to nag you because you always come through on your promise (looks like your high school guidance counselor was wrong about you after all!).

6- Hug her & make a move
Next time she kicks her whining into high gear, kiss her affectionately and try to divert her attention with the moves you learned while you were in prison. Over time, she'll equate nagging with romantic interludes. Hey, if it worked for Pavlov's dog, it might just work for you!

7- Surprise her
Derail all of her arguments with a sudden and unexpected act of kindness. Come to think of it, any act of kindness from you would be unexpected. Bring her flowers, get her tickets for the opera or, if the situation is dire enough, even agree to watch Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. In short, do something so romantic and out of character that she'll suddenly forget all about the fact that you haven't taken down the Christmas lights since 1995.

8- Communicate
Let's be perfectly honest: Communication is probably not your strength. After all, most of the conversations with your pals consist of a series of rumbling grunts, high fives and slaps on the ass. Therefore, this next suggestion might not come naturally, but it is effective. The next time she starts nagging you, ask her to take a five-minute time out and consider whether she's truly angry about your lack of cleanliness or whether there's a bigger issue at hand.

Her nagging about trivial issues might be symptomatic of a larger, more significant problem. Maybe she feels you spend more time with your buddies than you do with her. Perhaps she's concerned that your refusal to clean the bathroom will invite the plague into your house. Chances are there is something bigger on her mind, and this tactic might bring it to light.

9- Turn the tables on her
It's a fact of life that nobody's perfect -- although Jenna Jameson does come awfully close. So whenever she nags about your unhealthy eating habits and the fact that your gut is expanding faster than the universe, tell her that she also has bad habits you'd like to see her quit. Just keep in mind that the self-esteem of many women is more fragile than a porcelain cat, so use tact when outlining her list of faults. Better yet, try to avoid being in the same room altogether if you can.

10- Show her the alternative
Life is all a matter of perspective. Sure, you might be a beer-swilling, pork rind-eating slob, but at least you're not as bad as your buddies. Show her how lucky she is to have you by inviting your most uncouth friends over for dinner. With any luck, they'll set the bar so low you'll be able to step over it without even breaking your stride.

11- Tell her to take it or leave it
If she nags about the fact she doesn't want you to see your best friend or that you always work late, tell her there are some things in your life she'll have to accept if she loves you. Given the choice of accepting your faults or losing you altogether, she'll likely make the decision to stick it out. And if she doesn't, she wasn't worth keeping anyway.

12- Take a break
Unlike salt and pepper shakers, humans aren't always meant to be side-by-side. By taking a break from one another, you'll be able to better appreciate the qualities that brought you together in the first place. Does absence really make the heart grow fonder? Maybe not, but abstinence certainly does, and this is your chance to find out!

13- Leave
You've got to know when to hold them and know when to fold them. If the nagging gets out of hand -- no matter what you do -- and you find you're more miserable with her than without her, maybe it's time to find a woman who will appreciate you for who you are. After all, there have to be plenty of ladies who are dying to date a guy who still lives with his parents and can quote dialogue from Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan. On second thought, maybe you should just...

14- Shape Up
According to English politician Edith Clara Summerskill, "Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." So maybe, just maybe, there's actually something at the root of her incessant complaining. Granted, nagging is a horrible way of communicating, but she does have a point about not hanging your underwear on the lampshades and it has been weeks since you emptied the trash. Listen to what she's saying and see if you can address the issues that concern her most. Even if you're unwilling to change your habits, you can always arrive at an alternative like hiring a maid. Better yet, a French maid.

whine & cheese

the details

why do women do this?

your counteroffensive

1- The Meeting Stage

2- The Dating Stage

3- The Relationship Stage

get to work

Tears

Bribery and rewards

Flattery

Friend recruitment

Provoking jealousy

Withdrawal

Playing dumb/helpless

getting played

"Just because someone loves you doesn't mean that they are also good for you." 
- Unknown

"Here are some warning signs that can alert you to whether you or your partner may get 'stuck' and develop an unhealthy relationship:

Seeks instant intimacy: A person who develops an immediate sense of attachment and belonging without really knowing anything about the other person and pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment has unhealthy dependence needs.

Clingy: Considers intensity of need for each other as proof of love. Wants you alone for himself / herself. At the extreme, tries to isolate you from friends and families with constant demands of attention.

Excessively possessive: Trust issues - extreme inquisitiveness about the partners activity and whom they talked to, jealousy and controlling behaviors like keeping the money or car, demanding he / she ask permission for activities.

Unrealistic expectations: Expects you to be perfect in meeting his / her every needs or becomes disappointed and angry.

Lacks a sense of responsibility: Blames others for problems and mistakes. Makes the other person responsible for his / her feelings - instead of saying "I am angry", he / she says "You make me angry".

Hypersensitive: Feels insulted, hurt or angry at perceived slights or criticism when realistically there wasn't any.

Cruelty to animals and children: Often very impatient with normal children / animal behavior, punishes them brutally, may tease them until they cry.

Verbal abuse: Constantly criticizes and / or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things, demeaning and attacking your self-esteem when you fail to meet some expectation.

Rigid roles: Expects you to conform to his / her idea of how a wife / husband should be without a mutual consensus.

Threats of violence: Intimidation of threats of physical violence directed at self or the partner; often later dismissed as temper.

It helps to remember - Every relationship is different and will have its own dynamics and healthy relationships are based on equality in decision making and respect for one another.

So, what does it take to maintain a healthy relationship?

Slow, but Consistent: Relationships work the best when people go slow and take their time getting to know each other. Whirlwind romances usually end in disaster. It also helps to be consistently supportive and encouraging. Inconsistent behavior causes misunderstandings and uncertainty.

Keep Things Upbeat: Relationships work the best when partners express a positive and upbeat attitude towards each other. Genuine displays of happiness and affection go a long way when trying to make a relationship work. By contrast, relationships fail when indifference, anger and negativity become the norm. In fact, even a little negativity can create a lot of problems in a close relationship. This does not mean that people cannot express negative feelings in a relationship, but that there are appropriate (and inappropriate) ways of dealing with one’s negative feelings .

Approach Problems Together: Couples feel closer and are more satisfied with their relationships when they approach problems and difficulties as a team. Couples who take an US versus the PROBLEM, rather than a YOU versus ME approach to conflict are much happier in the long run. 

Don't Take Each Other For Granted: Over time, couples typically take each other for granted. At the start of a relationship people appreciate all the things that their partners do for them. However, as time goes on, people tend to expect more, but acknowledge a partner's contributions less often. To keep a relationship happy and healthy it is important to show appreciation on a consistent basis. 

Appreciate Differences: Relationships work the best when partners have a lot in common, but respect and appreciate the differences that do exist. It helps to appreciate someone for who they are rather than try to change them or how they behave. 

Be Approachable: People need to be able to talk freely with a romantic partner. Sharing what is going on in one’s life and how one feels about issues is important to do. But, being open with a partner is not always easy because it requires spouses to tell the truth and to LISTEN to things that may be difficult to hear. Listening in an attempt to UNDERSTAND, not control, evaluate, or judge is critical to having a satisfying relationship. 

Express Commitment: Relationships work the best when partners reassure each other of their love and commitment. It never hurts to tell a spouse that you love him or her and that you will always be there. "

Falling in love is easy. Staying in love is not. It's true. In a relationship, it's about US, not YOU, not ME. The infatuation will surely fade sooner or later, but that's not a sign that love doesn't exist anymore. Being in a relationship takes a lot more than love, trust, commitment etc. It's abt teamwork. You have to build each other up and work together to make good things come out of the relationship. It's about being ONE. 

Yours truly,
noir

put your foot down